Star Wars: Rongo On

I saw this movie.  I thought it was kind of dumb. Like, spoilers and stuff, WHATEVER. A lot of characters who make no impression dashing about for reasons that are only very tenuously comprehensible. Do I sound like an old man? Well, be that as it may. Also, the fact that everyone dies in the end--I guess you're supposed to see it as this noble sacrifice, but I was just left feeling like the other shoe never dropped--wait, shouldn't these characters have character arks (yes, a few of them don't like each other and then do like each other, but REALLY NOW) or develop in some way or oh no wait they're dead. OKAY! Am I supposed to feel a way about this? 'Cause I SUPER don't. It's also a bizarre tonal mismatch, 'cause let's face it: Star Wars is friggin' goofy. When it works, as in the original trilogy (which, come on, is all the Star Wars any sane person needs), it gets by on sheer joie de vivre. The prequels, gruesome as they were, at least understood that much. That's what's wrong with The Force Awakens: it takes itself so damn seriously. The comic relief, such as it is, feels obviously calculated and inorganic. GUESS WHAT I DON'T WANT A STAR WARS MOVIE SOLEMNLY TELLING ME ABOUT THE GRIM REALITY OF WAR. It's just incongruous.

I mean, REALLY: especially what with Carrie Fisher dying, can't we just agree that Star Wars is over now? Just dump the rough cut of episode VIII onto the internet, and forget about episode IX. This whole thing isn't working, it was never a great idea, let's just cut our losses. I mean, no, of course, I'm well aware that there's money to be made, but I am not impressed by this whole boondoggle. Don't mind me; I'll just be over here shouting at clouds.