Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Maybe the "Warring City-State" model would work better.

You know...we clearly don't want a democracy. Two thirds of our Senators either don't understand or just don't care about Constitutional integrity. And although I don't have numbers, it's impossible to imagine that citizens are overwhelmingly opposed to the idea. So, you know. Why bother even pretending? We suck.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Seriously, I could do this all day.

by: GeoX
age: 10

Once, there was a Japanese duck named Quackalathtor, whose father had been killed fighting in the battle of Iwo Jima. Quackalathtor determined to take revenge. He also had a top secret message that had to get to he and his friend’s hideout in Borneo by morning. He brought a ship the ALBATROSS, and set out for Borneo.

On the way, a giant typhoon started and the ship sank. In desperation, he corked it up in a bottle and flung it into the sea, praying that it would to his teammate in Borneo, Quacan. Then he struck out for the Philippines which were not more than a day’s journey away.

In the Philippines he brought a new ship and headed for Mexico City. He made a plan to find out who had killed his father. He got everyone’s handprint by will or force.

Then he made a palmist read them until he had found the right killer.

Meanwhile Quacan had found and read the message. This is what it said,

Come to mexico
city at once. I
need you

Quacan rented a boat and sailed to mexico city and found Quackalathtor in a hotel.

First, Quackalathtor murdered the man who had killed his father then he jumped into a taxi. Then he pulled out an eggbeater and said “to the nearest spaceport or i fire.

Just before Quackalathtor got out he gave some whispered instructions to Quacan then he hot-wired a rocket. But before he took off he fired a last defiant beater at a policeman who swore to get revenge. Meanwhile Quacan disguised himself as a man and went to enter an organization that caught burglars, pickpockets, etc. When he had passed the entry he said he knew where Quackalathtor was, and he said he thought Quackalathtor had hidden on Ceres.

One Ceres Quacan said he’d look on the southern side and the others would look on the northern side.

Quacan quietly found Quackalathtor and flew away towing the other ship behind them and at last Quackalathtor was content!!!!!



Saturday, June 24, 2006

I hope there's a cheat code for that, 'cause if it's as annoying as the game was...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Fruit of the Day: Pineapple

...the business of eating delicious fruit, that is!

Some people--I would imagine--look at a pineapple and think, oh, what is this? I can't eat this? It has a frightful coating of spikey armor, like an armadillo, or, perhaps more accurately, an ankylosaurus. It's too intimidating for me. Plus, it's a citrus fruit, so it's probably really scary and tangy. Waa! I'm a big fat ugly baby!

Well, I'm here to tell you that these fears are misplaced. It's true that the common pineapple has a suit of armor that you might need a bandsaw to breach. As you no doubt recall, this was a problem in that one Studio Ghibli film, I forget the name, that keeps switching between flashbacks and the present. However, in deference to our soft and weak modern sensibilities, in This Modern World you can buy pre-denuded pineapples in plastic containers. Effete? Surely. And the existence of this convenience probably means that we will be swiftly and brutally crushed when the Aliens Attack (as they are known to do). But unless you have aspirations of Ayn Rand-esque ubermensch-hood (you think Howard Roark buy a pre-shelled pineapple? Hell no!), you might as well revel in our decaying, sybaritic lifestyle.

And once you taste the pineapple--you may be surprised. For far from being intimidatingly tangy, the healthy, ripe pineapple is a deeply pleasing experience--delectably sweet, with only the lightest hint of sharpness to remind you of the fruit's cirtusy, scurvy-averting nature. In fact, I predict that once you start eating your pineapple--you'll have a hard time stopping. And why should you? Like all fruits, pineapples are brimming over with healthful vitamins and minerals, and contain no processed sugar or other additives. So enjoy a pineapple guilt-free today: you'll be glad you did.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Casey's Last Ride

So I heard a radio ad by the Casey campaign attacking Santorum. Yeah! That's good! The ad was about how Santorum is soft on immmigration. Um. That's kinda bad. Yeah, and the ad was pretty borderline racist. Hey! That's really bad!

So it's talking about how, oh, Santorum's English-language website is all tough on immigration and stuff, but his Spanish-language site--that is a different story! And the narrator would describe what was on the English site, and then whenever he switched to talking about the terrible, pandering Spanish one, this kind of mariachi-ish thing--something famous; you'd know it if you heard it--would play in the background. "Rick Santorum is tough on immigration on his English-language site, but on his Spanish-language site, it's always a party." Paraphrasing, but definitely not messing with the sense. He did use the word "party."

You know, I never thought I'd be this guy, but this is really the last fucking straw. Sorry, Bob--hope ya win, but you're gonna have to do it without me. To quote ee cummings, there is some shit I will not eat.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

The Final Battle

by: GeoX
age: 9

The Final Battle

“Finally, the throne is mine!” laughed Averoxien as he approached Xurnox, the capital of Planet X.

When he came to the light ring, he entered without hesitation, and found himself in the throne room where he found his agent, Borox, waiting for him.

“There’s a sixty million dollar jackpot waiting for you when you get back,” said Averoxien.

“Yea?” asked Borox from where’s? [last two words illegible]

“Destroying Mercury,” commanded Averoxien, “and bomb Earth while you’re at it!”

So, that night Borox and Auv set off for Mercury. Suddenly an explosion ripped the air, and turning Borox saw the AFJROV president accompanied by Avpone. Auv shot a fireball but missed and the fireball glanced back and hit Borox’s rocket, killing Auv.

Then Borox learned over the radio that Averoxien had been killed by a Saturnese spy. Then he flew back to both planets to which he had been assigned, bombed them, and flew back to Planet X, only to find that he was new Emperor.

The End

note: Auv looks so odd because radioactive mutancies occur except when wearing a certain type of cloth only worn by Borox


Thursday, June 15, 2006

Hilarity on Colbert

In the "better know a district" segment last night, they had some Georga congressman who had cosponsored a bill to require the ten commandments in every courtroom. I'm with you, Colbert said (paraphrasing). Can you think of any building that would be a better place for the ten commandments? Mr. Congressman could not. He then asked the guy to name all ten. He looked like he'd just been sentenced to hang, and managed lying, stealing, and killing before giving up. Man, that is just really fucking pathetic. I'm about as non-judeo-christian as you can get, and reeling off all ten of 'em wouldn't present me with many problems. How come I'm not a right-wing congressman? Anyway, in my opinion, the ideal place for the ten commandments is in our public schools. Because who is going to appreciate the injunction not to covet thy neighbor's ass more than an eight-year-old would?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

If you were to meet me, this is totally how the conversation would go


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A play in one act

by: GeoX
age: ~7

Saber tooth: that Dier wolf thinks HE can kill ME well he’ll be sorry

Dier wolf: SO you think your so smart old big jaws well we’ll just see

Saber tooth: help

Gliptodnt: I wont

Saber tooth: wy not

Gliptodont: I hate you I like Dier wolf WAM!!!

Dier wold: thanks for killing fangs

Gliptodnt: the end

(for the extinct-mammal-impaired: glyptodont)


Monday, June 12, 2006

The Artrier System

by: GeoX
age: 9

I know of a planet system called Artrier. This system has no star.

The third smallest planet in this system is Moeterm. Its life is bigger and less advanced than bacteria. Because of this fact people think this planet is the youngest in the system.

Anteril is the largest planet in Artrier. No life has been discovered on it, but fossils have been found on it. People think since it is the hottest planet when it got hot the all water evaporate.

Orp is the planet with the most advanced life. It is the only planet that gets smaller. It is made entirely of water. Gravity pushes in hard and squirts out drops of water.

Esconer is one of the three planets without life, though it is very swampy. Things could live on it, but they don’t. Maybe this is because of the intense heat.

Acetwip has hardly any life and is very rocky and barren with just a few tough trees. These are the only things that have been discovered.

The biggest planet is Blinis. Lifeforms there are only about half an inch long. No bacteria or protozoans live on this planet.

Ingopticks is the most rainy planet in Artrier, and only mushrooms and moss live on it. No rocks are on it and are on it, and no animals live there. In spite of its wetness the only source of water is rain.

Orantor is almost entirely desert. There is only one small oasis about a mile long. But in this oasis life thrives. The living things include coyotes, baboons, warthogs, etc.

Idodor has no life and is very cold. It usually is about a zillion zillion below zero. It usually has no life except when ice falcons from the planet Chiteelith come for a visit.

Actolite has the most advanced life in Artrier aside from that on Orp. Its soil and atmosphere are rich in all elements except hydrogen and methane.

The last planet in Artier, Chiteelith, can control the other planets and their inhabitants. It is very fertile and lots of plants and animals live on it. It does not, however, let people live on it.


Wow! Dead people!

Man, why must we always go through this? So Zarqawi's dead. Okay. From all I've heard, the man was a monster. I'm not shedding any tears. But man. This seemingly requisite ritual we go through where, regardless of our feelings on the war as a whole, we're meant to go, "awright! We got the sumbitch! Awesome news, dudes! Party time!"? Well. You know. Sorry, but this sporadically-updated left-wing webblog doesn't roll like that. Even if we pretend that a lot of this celebratory behavior isn't just a pretext to glorify bloodlust in a socially-sanctioned manner--I still don't find it particularly savory. Some people got killed. By bombs. That we dropped. And frankly, regardless of the circumstances, I think that celebrating violent death is spiritually poisonous. Whether or not I actually subscribe the quasi-religious terms in which I put that--it's how I feel. And that is one of the many reasons I will never be elected to high government office. Secular left blah blah moral relativism blah blah empty self-righteousness supporting the terrorists blah. Ya know...fuck all that noise.

On the same note, Michael Berg is some kind of hero. He's morally evolved in a way most of us can only dream of being.
It seems pretty clear that the people in whom he evokes a violent reaction recognize on some level how small and contemptible he makes their own behavior look. I'm not always optimistic, but let's hope human evolution is moving more in his direction than in theirs.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Mysterious omens

So DeLay left Congress the other day, and huzzah for that, but last night I had a dream where he was a contestant on Jeopardy (one of the other contestants was Tobias from Arrested Development, but that's neither here nor there). They were on the final round. I don't remember what the clue was, just that the answer was "Grover Cleveland." The contestants were being very loud and dashing around trying to find the answer. This isn't right, I thought. Surely Alex will remonstrate with them. But then he didn't. None of the contestants had much money to begin with, and in spite of all their efforts, none of them got it. When DeLay was revealed to have gotten it wrong, there was a palpable sense of relief in the room--nobody wanted this asshole to come back the next day. But then it transpired that, by sheer luck, his virtually nonexistent winnings were higher than those of either of his opponents. And you could tell that Alex's amiability as he announced that DeLay would be returning was very forced.

So anyway: beware. He might only look dead.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Jon Stewart kicks ass

Or at least, he did tonight, slamming the shit out of Bill Bennett on gay marriage. You know how he has the kind of annoying habit of having on right-wing types with whom he obviously disagrees, but then he'll only pursue this disagreement so far, and use jokes to defuse the tension? Man, not here. He did what had to be done, all in spite of Bennett's pathetic and nonsensical opening effort to suck up to him by bringing on a copy of America: the book.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

On another note... Ajax the groundhog. He hates bush too. I asked him.

God I hate the president

I mean, obviously. But I'm really not outraged all that much nowadays. I mean, like, what's the point? You know that bush and friends are always instinctively and unerringly going to do the polar fucking opposite of the right thing--what can you fucking SAY about that? But now I am moved--by this--to reaffirm the fact that, indeed, I hate that vile and nauseous gigantic fucking pile of SHIT worse than I have ever hated ANYTHING.

But wait, you say. Sure, this is bad. What else is new? But is it REALLY of a different order than the myriad other crimes against common decency the man has committed? But it's not supporting homophobia in and of itself that pisses me off. I mean, as you say, what else is new? What we're talking about here is the whole context of the thing. The president's poll numbers are dropping like a thing that drops precipitously. People are finally waking up to the fact that he's utterly incompetent to govern. So what's he do? Does he take a good hard look at himself and realize that the only way to fix things is to change? Do earnestly try to do better? No no no. Actually fixing things would require work. So instead of making even a token effort at doing something, anything, that would, oh say, prevent soldiers for dying in the Middle East for no damn reason--fuck em! Let em die! A nice family-friendly round of fag-bashing ought to do the trick! That's the president we know and hate!

Yeah, you say, but still. Duh. Of course he exploits fear and hatred and insecurity for short-term political gain. It's like crack cocaine to him. Wha'd you expect? And you're right, of course. I shouldn't be surprised by things like this. And I'm not, really. But the sheer naked cynicism on display here--the utter political amorality, the willingness--nay, eagerness--to do literally anything for a quick ratings fix--seems even more pronounced than usual. Whatever the reason, it has gotten under my own thick layer of protective cynicism, and it makes me howl with enraged bloodlust. Holy fucking SHIT do I ever hate that man creature.